I've heard people say that their baby was a "surprise". But until I experienced a surprise pregnancy of my own, I cannot truly say I had any idea how many emotions may have been hiding behind that statement.
I'm happily married. My husband has a steady job. We just bought a beautiful house and have three kids. So what's the problem?
Anyone on the outside looking in would surely wonder at the cacophony of emotions surrounding my surprise pregnancy; and trust me when I say that I did too. And now that I've realized a lot of women have experienced a lot of the same feelings I did, I knew I needed to get my story out there.
So to each woman out there who is experiencing a surprise pregnancy; whatever the circumstances, know you're not alone.
I know this topic might be touchy for some, so I want to tread lightly, but it is also now a part of my story, so I want to share.
If you are struggling with infertility, miscarriage, or just having a hard time getting pregnant, this might not be the right post for you right now. I say that gently because for some this post may come across as straight up ungrateful. And had I not gone through this surprise pregnancy I never would have known this side of things. So again, please know my heart in this post is not to hurt or offend anyone; but to share a personal struggle.
Surprise! You're Pregnant.
I wasn't even officially late. Actually I think it was still about 2 days before I was expecting my period but something felt off. I didn't feel crampy enough. I wasn't grumpy enough. Instead of consuming copious amounts of junk food I was eating normally. Ohhhhh maaaaan. "This isn't good."
I chalked it up to paranoia. Aurora was only 9 months old; surely I was unnecessarily freaking out over nothing. I'd had pregnancy "scares" before.
It would happen. It would happen. But then it didn't.
Before I knew it I was late.
I've been late four times in my life. My first is 5, my second is 3, once I struggled through miscarriage, and my fourth is still just a babe herself.
I immediately felt panic set in.
I'd never felt that way before when facing a potential pregnancy; this was totally foreign to me. Where were the feelings of excitement? Gladness? Overwhelming joy? They must have gotten buried deep in my belly somewhere because I couldn't feel them over the rising tide of panic.
It's All in Your Head
Only it wasn't. A few days after my missed period I finally decided to open the one little pregnancy test I had left over from a year before and "take the test". I knew I'd pass with flying colors, but still a small part of me hoped it was all in my head.
Took the test. Read the results. And cried.
I'd never faced a surprise pregnancy before. They'd all been planned. Decided upon, talked about. The shock I was facing came as a surprise even to myself. Why was I feeling this way? Where were the feelings of joy? Why was I so scared?
I wanted so badly to call my husband, but he had just started 5 long days of patrol. He's the only night officer and because I wasn't sure if his reaction would be similar to mine, I didn't want to add more to his plate when he already works a very taxing job. I felt insecure and isolated with my own feelings. I didn't have anyone to process with and could hardly wrap my mind around the idea of adding another baby to our family so quickly.
Did we even want another child?
That was the heaviest question that reverberated in my mind. I felt this deep sense of guilt that I had "slipped up" and allowed this to happen. It was a weird and shocking feeling in face of how I'd felt all the other times.
And so for awhile, I went into hiding. I was so scared I couldn't even bring myself to tell my husband. I thought about it multiple times but always talked myself out of it. There was the strangest mix of emotions roiling inside of me that I was afraid to tell anyone for fear of letting them out.
Was I a horrible person and mother because I wasn't sure I was ready for another pregnancy? Because I wasn't sure we wanted another child?
I knew so many others would be over joyed to be in my situation. So I felt this deep weight of guilt that laid heavily on me; all the while I nursed my secret.
Fear of Judgement
For weeks leading up to our big announcement on social media I was scared out of my mind. Literally any time I thought about sharing our news I felt sick. A no, not because of the first trimester nausea that was a beast this go around, but because I was already anticipating the trolls. The condescending judgement, the backlash...Those who would be angry simply because I am pregnant and they are not.
It gets to you.
And when you're already feeling insecure about such a huge life change it's even harder to face the crowd.
For those who feel confused about why this was even a thought in my mind, let me just say, having been sharing my life on a public platform for a few years now, I've experienced the hate. Some random, some purposeful; all of it really ugly and hurtful.
People have very, very strong feelings about families these days and they will not hesitate to share them. I have already in the few short weeks since we've shared been on the receiving end of many snide remarks. Wether they know my story of this being a surprise pregnancy or not, they don't care; they will share their opinion one way or another.
It's Going to Be Okay
I'll be honest, the initial shock still hasn't worn off. I probably will not fully wrap my head around this whole surprise pregnancy thing until the baby is in my arms. But through all of this I'm learning one thing; it's going to be okay.
After finally working up the courage to tell my husband, I felt much better. He was actually thrilled and teared up when I told him; "we're going to have another baby!" When I broke down crying and started explaining some of my fear he was quick to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay. And he's right.
Because although this pregnancy came as a surprise, it's not a bad thing, actually, it's a really really good thing. This child was meant to be a part of our family, and I am excited to see the little life that God chose to bless us with; even as I continue to muddle through some strange emotions.
So where ever your life circumstances have you mama, know it'll be okay.
Unplanned doesn't mean unwanted.
If you'd like to see the very raw footage that was shot on the day that I finally got up the courage to take the pregnancy test, check out this YouTube video below!